Loud Librarian was a sketch starring Lori Beth Denberg as a librarian named Ms. Hushbaum. As the sketch's name suggests, Ms. Hushbaum was ironically always shouting and making noise in her library. She commonly honked her air horn and blew her whistle while students are studying. Ironically, when someone else in the library made the tiniest sound, including asking her to stop what she was doing, she would scream things like, "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! CAN'T YOU READ?! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO STUDY! HOW CAN YOU BE SO RUDE?! HUSH! IF YOU CAN'T BE SILENT, THEN I WILL BE VIOLENT!" A trademark of the sketch was her air horn, and the signs she had placed around the library that read, "Quiet", "No Talking", "Stifle", "Hush", "Silence", and "Shhh". She always engaged in noisy activities such as the following:

  • bowling,
  • fighting a bull,
  • hosting a New Year's Eve party,
  • herding sheep,
  • talking loudly on the phone,
  • chomping on chips,
  • bouncing on a pogo stick,
  • using a jackhammer,
  • working a "Test Your Strength" game,
  • riding a motorcycle,
  • making popcorn,
  • feeding a parrot
  • frying bacon,
  • shaving,
  • shooting fireworks
  • stamping a discarded book
  • sharpening pencils,
  • mowing the carpet,
  • playing a pinball game,
  • playing an organ,
  • using a hair dryer,
  • using a leaf blower,
  • singing "America, the Beautiful" into a vacuum,
  • practicing karate,
  • lifting weights,
  • dancing to the Macarena, and even
  • engaging in a rock guitar battle.

She even shook a baby's cradle (while the baby was still in it) and screamed at him/her for crying, and his/her mother for questioning this.

In the reboot series, this sketch was brought back with Lori Beth reprising her role as Ms. Hushbaum as a guest star.

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