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Vital Information later logo

"Vital Information" was the longest-running recurring sketch on All That. It appeared from seasons 1-6, and was revived in season 10. In those seven seasons, it was hosted by Lori Beth Denberg in seasons 1-4 and in the 10th Anniversary show, Danny Tamberelli from season five to six, and Lil' JJ in season ten. It can be seen as the All That version of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live.

Because All That is limited to a single half hour, as opposed to the 90-minute SNL, there was no time allotted for an actual newscast. It also takes place at a newsdesk, and both skit names involve giving the viewers some sort of news. The similarity is strengthened in the final season of All That, where JJ would only appear in "Vital Information". At the time where Tina Fey was a Weekend Update anchor, she was also head writer, it was the only sketch she would appear in. When Seth Meyers achieved the position after her departure, Meyers also relegated his regular skit appearances to Update.

In each segment, the host delivered a series of one-liners, usually three in a row. Some of these Vitals included:

  • Oh Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh I HATE the Macarena.
  • If your brassiere is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable!
  • If you're drinking apple juice and it feels warm, odds are, that ain't apple juice!
  • If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I ain't eatin' a sandwich at your house!
  • It's not nice to push your friend Billy off the roof and then yell, "Look neighbors! It's raining Billy!"
  • If you're having trouble with your homework, don't walk up to your teacher and say, "This homework's too hard, now give me a big wet kiss."
  • If your teacher gives you an F, it is wrong to say "Well what did you expect moron?! I didn't study!"
  • Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how on Earth this song became so popular.
  • It's fun to play in the snow. It's less fun to play in a bathtub full of vomit.
  • I scream, you scream, we all scream when we slam our hand in the car door.
  • Three blind mice. See how they run, into things.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. (then proceeding to throw apples at a doctor) Diagnose this, quack! Go on, now, get!
  • The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down, eventually they all throw up.
  • When you're reading a book, don't skip the even number of pages and then say "Man, this book is really odd!"
  • Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey don't see, monkey step in doo.
  • If your first name is Wally, and your second name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!
  • A penny saved is a penny earned. And a penny earned will buy you absolutely nothing.
  • If you can't beat them, join them; if you can't join them, bite them.
  • If you blow your nose like this (takes a tissue and blows her nose loudly), it's considered rude to do this (sticks the tissue to a lamp).
  • When you see an old lady you might say, "How long have you been in the swimming pool?!"
  • The cow says "Moo". The duck says "Quack". The crazy person says "Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai!"
  • If you get all D's on your report card, don't feel bad - it's not your fault you're stupid!
  • Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And I laughed my butt off!
  • "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." No one cared.
  • "The early bird gets the worm." Fine! I don't want the worm!
  • "Eeny meeny miney mo. Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers" … then let go of his toe before the tiger kills you!
  • "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat" — and later realized he'd ruined a perfectly good hat.
  • If you see someone drowning, it's rude to stand there trying to throw popcorn into their mouth.
  • If you accidentally flush your friend down the toilet, you either got a huuuge toilet or a teenie little friend.
  • Next time you're feeling sick, take a piece of ham and rub it all over your body. You won't feel any better, but hey, you'll smell like ham!
  • "Starve a cold, feed a fever. Starve a bear, bear kill you."
  • If your name is Steven, and you have a pet turkey named Stefan, come Thanksgiving you will be Steven stuffin' Stefan!
  • If you want to invite your teacher to dinner, don't say, "Come to dinner teacher. My parents have always wanted to meet a big idiot!!"
  • A clean closet is a closet full of socks, a smelly closet is a closet full of baboons!
  • Never go to the library and say "Hello. I'm looking for a book, and why are you so ugly?
  • Its rude to talk with your mouth full, its even ruder to blow your nose in your sisters pants.
  • If you can't stand the heat, stay out of your kitchen; if you can't stand being dressed, get out of your pants.
  • If you're afraid of breathing, you've got about 4 minutes to live.
  • Ice cream tastes good, armpits taste bad.
  • If you're a guy, and you take your grandmother to the school dance, don't yell, "Hey everybody, look at me I'm at the school dance with my grandmother. WOO!"
  • At fine restaurants, it's considered rude to butter yourself.
  • Homework, "bad". Pizza "good".
  • Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, while Jill just laughed as Jack lay there unconscious!
  • There are sixteen ounces in a pound. There are thirty-eight sheep in my pants.
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